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Eliciting States In People
So I was driving
on the freeway the other day and this other car pulls right up
next to me. I don’t pay much attention to him. The driver
proceeds to drive at the same rate I’m going for a couple
miles. Now, he’s got my attention because he’s matching
me perfectly.
After a few
miles of this, he begins slowly and subtly increasing his car’s
speed. You know what I do? I begin to unconsciously notice myself
driving faster and faster to match him. He continues to accelerate
and for some mysterious reason, I do too. Pretty soon, we’re
flying down the highway going way too fast. Finally, I snap out
of my miniature hypnotic trance as I become fully aware of just
how fast I was going.
I slow down.
What happened here? The guy came along side me at the same rate
of speed I was going. He went along with me for a few miles. He
then increased his speed and I followed by increasing my speed.
So how the
heck does this story relate to eliciting states in people? When
you want to create an emotional state in someone else, you have
to do what the car driver did with me. First, you have to match
the person. Do this by doing what they do.
Then, pace
the person just like what the driver did with me. He went at the
same rate of speed I was going for a good number of miles. In
an interpersonal context, this means to do what the other person
is doing to create similarity between you and the other person.
Finally, lead
the person into the emotional state you want them to go in. The
driver got me to driver faster than I normally would because he
increased his driving speed after he paced me for a while. I normally
wouldn’t have driven that fast. What caused me to drive
that fast was the driver leading me into a higher rate of speed.
The driver
led me to drive at a higher rate of speed because of human beings
innate desire to match up with another person and ‘be in
harmony’ with them. This directly applies to creating emotional
states in others.
First, match
whatever emotional state the person is in. If an angry customer
calls you up to complain about something, the right emotional
state is to match them and be a bit ‘hot’ with them
at the bad service or whatever they’re complaining about.
You don’t have to match them perfectly but do it enough
to create a sense of rapport. This creates similarity with the
person. How many times has a perfectly calm person told an irate
person to “calm down” only to have it backfire and
the irate person get even angrier? It’s because the person
is not being matched.
Second, pace
the person. This means to do what they do. Say what they say.
Match their emotion although you don’t have to do it as
intensely. This creates similarity and rapport. It’s the
car driver driving the same speed as me right next to me.
After you
have a sense that you have good rapport, begin to change your
emotional state from their original emotional state into one that
is more resourceful. In the example of the irate customer, it
could be that of calm and understanding. The person will follow
you. If they don’t follow you, go back to pacing them.
There you
have it. Match. Pace. Lead. A simple formula for creating emotional
states in others. Remember to always go first. For whatever emotional
state you want someone else to go into, you have to go there first!
Use this recipe
repeatedly because it has an endless number of applications. Enjoy!
Kent Sayre
is a worldwide persuasion expert and author of “The Ultimate
Persuasion Formula” available at: www.TheUltimatePersuasionFormula.com
Furthermore, he is the author of the bestselling book “Unstoppable
Confidence” endorsed by such celebrity authors as Brian
Tracy, Robert Allen, and Jim Rohn.
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